My sister-in-law passed away Tuesday. She’d been diagnosed with leukemia about six weeks earlier. She was 73.
Talk about a wake-up call – the realization that all any of us has is today and nothing else is guaranteed. I mean we all know it, right? Somewhere, deep down. But we fool ourselves into thinking death won’t come for us.
It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, even before my sister-in-law’s diagnosis, but especially because of it. We waste so much time. I waste so much time. There are so many things I want to do and yet I lie to myself and say I don’t have time when in reality, I do. I do have the time. It just takes so … much … discipline.
At 54, I only have so much energy … I get up at five am, leave for work at seven, come home by 5. It’s awfully hard to write anything meaningful in the hour between waking up and having to jump in the shower, or in the 45 minutes I have left at lunch after I’ve found a hole to crawl into. Somewhere in my day I must also find time to exercise, return texts to family and friends, pay bills, work on other business endeavors, exercise my creativity, work on the afghans I’m making for my daughters. And sleep. I’m too tired at 10 am, after the house is asleep, to eek out anything creative or meaningful. I wish I could get by on four hours, but I can’t. Truth is, there’s only so much time in a day, and spending it meaningfully means more than stuffing every second with something different because otherwise it just wouldn’t get done.
Really, I’ve come to the conclusion that my job is the problem. I’m there solely to make money – I must make a certain amount of money for two, maybe three more years. But lately, my job has not been very fulfilling – there are a multitude of reasons for this – my skills aren’t being utilized well, there is absolutely no opportunity for advancement, and everyone seems to be fairly unmotivated these days, which makes it difficult for me to do my job. The only upside is that I’m allowed to work from home one day a week, but many weeks I don’t even manage to do that. Working from home gives me more time – an hour that I’m not driving to and from work. Fifteen minutes saved at lunch. Time to pick at other things in between doing my job. (I’d like to say screw you to all of the CEO’s who just couldn’t handle the idea of permanent remote work policies after covid … remote work is a godsend that gave people some room to breathe – what a shame they can’t have that).
I have decided to quit my job ten times in the last month alone. I think I will launch a bookkeeping business, write articles, teach … to make enough money to replace my current income. But what a risk it is! Can I not hang in there for three more years?
And then I think of my sister-in-law, and I remember I only have today. Only today to make a difference in my life. To do things. How do I want to spend that time? I’m pretty sure my current job is not it. Do I just quit, be creative, start my own thing, even if it means I will be poor and would have to cash in some of my retirement money early? Live a happy life, seize the day, carpe diem?
Most people are not fortunate enough to be able to make that choice. They have no money, they have no safety net, they have no voice. Some people are bold enough to jump in feet first and shoot for the stars. They are the lucky ones, whom I admire.
But life … life is short. I have worked hard. I am tired. I want a choice. Today, not tomorrow.
surviving nc 